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Cold fish bi-polar

Updated: Jan 7, 2019

Dish served was warm. So was the atmosphere of the evening.


Set with one leg on the chair wearing ripped jeans in a high class place — because I do not belong here and not going to pretend like I do. Too many forks on a side.

Some time ago, a close friend and business partner

… there’s just no pretty way around it — have fucked the partnership over. big time. In ways too major to be simply be narrowed down to money & trust. Yet once it happened , loss was heavy enough to drag down any and every possibility of hard feelings.

All went furious.

Good lawyer connections from Derbyshire were kindly offering their services. Beautiful London based Russian girlfriends offering “ a few phone calls” to make “stuff” disappear ( Russian is a very high contextual language , so is the culture) and mum . mum was fuming.

All went furious. Except me.


Me in question , to own surprise and

surprise of others — too calm considering the amounts of money involved and consequences it all triggered in my life.


“ It’s okay, really”


And it was okay, in my head , but more importantly in my heart.Really. Never waiting, or wanting an apology, or my money , or my time back. Betrayal is good for you because once it happens there’s no plans to build and skying trips to plan — that’s it. Emptyfies any sense of connection — easy.

Months past and a lot of consequences turned life upside down.

Months went pass

and recently we had a dinner.

Where set gracefully yet inappropriately my question was AM I THE ONLY BIPOLAR IN THE ROOM?

Because for the first time, in six month, he set there in front of me with eyes wet and most sincere look whispering :


- “I am so sorry”

and I believed he is.

- “It’s okay, really” and my heart meant it, and I meant it. It is really the genuine emotion felt.


But it’s not what I wanted to say. It is not what I wanted to express.

What we feel and what we want to express — sometimes, are different things, coming from different places.

You know what I mean if you recorded most beautiful music when drowning in a shitstorm; or if you are single mum with a 10-er in a pocket, walking your kid to school yet feeling like you want to yell at universe about your love; or when you hit the one you love; or when you build a business out of painful experience so profound — it heals all around. List can go on. You got the point.AM I THE ONLY BIPOLAR IN THE ROOM? Is a question asked without careful consideration, because controversial issues in question originate from different places.

What I wanted to say involved causing drama beyond inappropriately picked garments for attending the up-class eating place.

And

I didn’t want to put it into kick boxing workout.

I did not want to lock myself in a studio and dance about it.

I did not want to cover canvas in paint about it.

But to yell it out with sounds. Starting with settled “ You know what..” growing out into a king speech involving numerous “ fuck you” s.

It’s far from how I genuinely feel , but it is what I wanted to say , with my mouth, in english language, in that room , to you.


Dude, you are probably are reading it. Honestly


fuck you and fuck that 30£ tuna steak.



https://medium.com/@olyatra

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